The Delusional Divas

Dena and Shelby swear by the benefits of delusion to get them over bumpy patches and set them on the right road. And for her Christmas homesickness, Shelby needed a heavy dose. Not that there’s anything wrong with Christmas in Hamburg, but let’s face it…there’s no place like home for the holidays.

Just thinking about watching the same films for the hundredth time on the Christmas channel, fingers gone numb from wrapping gifts she'd lovingly chosen for friends and family that she was sure would be swiftly re-gifted, the dry turkey and lumpy mashed potatoes, the first casualty from a bit too much of the bubbly (not Shelby, of course), and the inevitable breakout of family warfare made her weep with longing.

And, perhaps the saddest of all was not spending the holidays with her bestie, Dena, doing crazy things as in years past, like taking these pictures as Santa and his reindeer. The only thing to do was find a bit of America in Hamburg, and Shelby knew exactly where she should go…Graeff’s Beverage Warehouse.

Graeff’s is a Hamburg homage to the United States and  is amazing to behold for the first-time visitor. True, the dummy greeting you upon entrance doesn’t look particularly American and is a bit scary with his oddly wide open mouth, but Shelby just scurried past him without looking.

Almost immediately, she was greeted by Santa and his rather buxom friend. Santa may be a dummy, but he’s not dumb. He seemed to have dumped the elves for a Marilyn lookalike and her toys. Shelby was just happy to partake of the free beer that Graeff keeps on tap. Here she is with Santa getting a quaff. Why is Santa still looking at Marilyn when the Diva is there?

The beer was good, but Shelby was still hankering for home, so she figured she’d head to Graeff’s New York section.  She believes it was then that her eyes started playing tricks on her. Was that Dena with the Statue of Liberty? Lord, she really must be missing home.  

It was like Italy all over again. Shelby couldn't shake the girl. Dena was even harassing Abe Lincoln. He seemed to be using the flag as protection against the Diva and looking for someone to help him. No matter where Shelby went, Dena was there.

She had even pulled into the Graeff's gas station area and was having a word or two...Shelby hoped it was only a conversation... with the gas attendant. Well, that wasn’t such a surprise. Dena always had  liked men in uniform.

No biggie, Shelby thought. But if I catch her chatting up my Marlboro man who’s always standing at the beer fridge, it’s on. He’s mine. We’ve developed quite a close relationship since I’ve moved to Hamburg.

Right about then, Shelby thought it was time for another drink, only no beer this time. She needed a fine wine, and she knew right where to get it. Dear James would be waiting for her with a tray in his hands.

Damn, she couldn’t get Dena out of her mind. She should have known the other Diva would beat her to the wine section. Shelby couldn’t even enjoy her wine thinking about Christmases past with her friends and family. This had been a mistake. Time to go home. With a quick shake to clear her head, the Diva turned to leave, determined to forget Dena and her homesickness.

But just as she made it to the door, whom did she see? Dena again! This time with some rather sinister, sketchy looking Santas.

Shelby didn’t know what they were looking at or what plan they were hatching, but it didn’t look good.  Best to beat a hasty retreat lest she get caught up in a beer heist. Little did she know her bestie was planning a kidnapping...to take her home for Christmas. Damn!

Graeff’s is great place, she thought, but maybe this hadn’t been such a good idea for Christmas. It made her want to cry. All she wanted to do was go home...next year, she vowed. Next year, I’ll be home for Christmas.  

DO have yourself a happy holiday,

Even if your loved ones are much too far away.

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“In between the sheets! " Shelby whispered. "The best way to learn a language.” Her best friend Dena’s eyes widened with amused disbelief.

“That’s exactly what the sly old bat told me, and she was right!” Shelby continued. “You know how much my Italian improved after meeting Giancarlo. Almost native.”

Almost native alright, Dena chuckled to herself. Just not native to Italy or any other nation on the planet. Everyone knew Shelby’s mangling of the beautiful language was almost criminal. Everyone except Shelby. Still Dena got her friend’s point. To learn a language, you need to be intimately involved with its speakers. As that thought along with snippets of her time with the dishy Nico scampered through her mind, Dena got a bit lost for a second.

“Dena!” Shelby growled, bringing her friend back to reality before she carried on. “And the same goes for immersing oneself in a local culture. You have to be where the people are, and there are 5 surefire ways to do that….

A DIVA’S NOT A COW…LOSE THE HERD MENTALITY

Tourists grazing in packs are intimidating to anyone wishing to talk to you. Likewise, you have little incentive to approach people, having your posse with you for company.  Okay, being alone can sometimes seem to backfire, leaving you a target for Nutty Norberts, but it can still be worth it.

For instance, on their second trip to Florence, Dena and Shelby couldn’t understand why the streets were practically empty for days. Where was everyone? While on a train back from a day at the beach, a women heard the Divas speaking and wanted to practice her school book English. The nutty nurse yammered the Divas’ ears nonstop…assault with a deadly mouth. BUT Chatty Cathy did give Dena and Shelby one vital piece of info. If the Divas wanted to know where the Florentines were, go to the Unity Festival held yearly at an old fort, which they did. So, even seemingly pesky encounters can prove invaluable. Diva's suggestion...gather up your courage, and consider traveling on your own, not in a group..

LET NO-STAR BE YOUR GUIDING STAR

Yes, the Divas love luxury as much as the next person, but if they are honest, they’re unforgettable encounters have been nowhere near 5-star haunts. Rather than gargantuan tourist trap hotels, think about much smaller, cozy mom and pop run establishments. These more intimate settings allow natural interchanges with owners and staff , who are much more likely to be friendly and show you a slice of their lives.

For instance, when Shelby was in Zanzibar, she stayed at a small resort that had seen better days. It even lost its electricity for non-payment, but the staff was so friendly and tended the place and guests so well with their limited means, she decided to stay even as other guests beat a hasty retreat. Here she is with the hotel chef learning to make chapatis over coals. Can you see this happening at the Four Seasons?

BETTER YET, FIND A HOME AWAY FROM HOME…AND SAVE

Staying in someone’s home is an even better way to feel part of real life in a country. You are in a real neighborhood and experience the rhythms of real life. Even going in a grocery store can be an enlightening adventure, exposing you to food and products you’ve never seen.

Shelby and Dena swapped Shelby’s NY apartment for their trip to Paris. Yes, the Paris apartment was on the 4^th floor minus an elevator…not very convenient for hauling their steamer trunks.

Halfway up the winding staircase,  Shelby called a halt, frantically gasping for a hit of her asthma inhaler. Yes, the bohemian apartment with a mattress on the floor wasn’t quite the Divas’ style. Indeed, at a certain age getting on the floor may require a crane to rise again. But the apartment was comfortable and the ladies quite enjoyed seeing how Parisians live and  the feeling of living in rather than visiting Paris.  An added bonus? The accommodations were free. There are many apartment swap websites. One of the originals is Home Exchange:

http://www.homeexchange.com/

FOLLOW YOUR EARS

Don’t just go sightseeing. “Soundsee” also.Whenever the Divas hear something interesting, they follow the sounds and see what’s on.  It usually means the locals are gathered, which can produce some of the most memorable travel experiences. Again while in Zanzibar, Shelby heard from far off the strains of music. She walked in its direction, only to find an outdoor religious service with some of the most beautiful, rousing gospel music she’d ever heard. She stood on the outskirts listening, until the people bade her to come closer. Before the Diva knew it, she was clapping her hands, singing at the top of her lungs, and praising the Lord. She’s not sure, but she may have started speaking in tongues. Afterward, she was invited to a delicious meal with good company.

HELPING SOMEONE ELSE HELPS YOU EVEN MORE

Shelby and Dena had one of their best “vacations” while Shelby was working as an ESL teacher in Riga, Latvia for a year. There’s no better way to be integrated in a culture than to live and work there.

Now the Divas know everyone can’t simply tender their resignation along with a quick, but perfectly aimed knock upside the head to their nut job boss, and then proceed to pick up, leave their life, and find employment in another country. Most people have a better hold on reality than Shelby. BUT you can approximate her wonderful experience with a week or month long volunteer vacay. 

If you are not sure how to get started, try this National Geographic book on the topic (see picture), and below are a couple of websites to get you on your way. 

http://www.crossculturalsolutions.org/

http://www.responsibletravel.com/holidays/cultural-volunteering

Alas, yet again a fitting Diva Do/n't, which the Divas invite you to interpret as you see fit.

If you’ve read their travel memoir, you know the Delusional Divas are not just authors, but dare they say... prophets. Yes, while in Italy, Bacchus the God of Wine appeared unto the ladies and bade them to spread his word of the good tidings and cheer in a glass of wine. Preferably, a red varietal. Still, as devoted to Bacchusism as Dena and Shelby are, they haven’t let go of long-held traditions, like Christmas. Heavens no! No reason to shoot themselves in their dainty well-clad feet, and torpedo the one holiday that has raised gift giving and in the Divas’ case, gift receiving, to high art.

Indeed, since moving to Hamburg, Shelby has embraced yet another Christian tradition beloved by Germans...the lighting of the Advent wreath. Somewhere in the recesses of her mind, she vaguely remembered the custom from her Catholic school days, but let’s face it...in a contest between Santa flying through the air on a sleigh filled with presents and a green wreath with a few candles. Okay, let’s be real. There was no contest. 

For those who don’t know or have forgotten, the Advent wreath usually consists of a ring or wheel of evergreens decorated with candles. Pre-dating Christianity in northern Europe, the circle symbolized the eternal cycle of the seasons,  while the evergreens and lighted candles signified the persistence of life in the midst of winter.  

There is debate as to when Christians adopted the custom, with some contending the Advent wreath was in use in the Middle Ages and others convinced it was not until the 16^th century. Still others believe it was not until the 19^th century that Christians began lighting Advent wreaths. Many believe it was a Protestant minister in Hamburg who developed the idea when children at his mission school constantly asked if Christmas had arrived. In 1839, Pastor Johann Wichern built a large wooden ring (made out of an old cartwheel) with 19 small red and 4 large white candles. A small candle was lit successively every weekday during Advent.

Regardless of the  ins and outs of the Advent wreath’s origins, Shelby loves the idea and makes one every year. Starting on the 4^th Sunday before Christmas, families gather together and one candle is lit and burned throughout the week. On the 2^nd Sunday, the second candle is lit together with the first one...and so on. This has become a much-beloved tradition that Shelby’s adopted country has given back to her.

She’s also managed to revive the practice for Dena, who actually used to commemorate Advent when her children were younger. Unfortunately, as they’ve grown, the Advent wreath fell by the wayside. Shelby couldn’t send Dena a full-blown Advent wreath, but managed to find one for the Diva on the Go…an Advent Wreath in a tin.

Do you have an Advent wreath this year? If so, the Divas would love to see it.

Take a pic and post it on our FB page:

https://www.facebook.com/pages/Delusional-Divas/202962306484984?ref=hl

                                                        

History of Advent wreaths, courtesy of Wikileaks...oops...Wikipedia: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Advent_wreath

Just yesterday, Dena and Shelby saw an article entitled 5 Reasons to Forgive a Cheater. At first, they wondered why anyone would ever forgive a cheater? Such a disrespectful betrayal of the person one promised to love and cherish ‘til death, divorce, or a good-looking vintner do them part. No Shelby and Dena avowed over a glass of Chianti.  They would never forgive the lying cur who cheated on them. But then, the Divas poured another glass, and as wine is wont to do, the Divas’ convictions (and morals) got a touch hazy.

Soon, they had their own 5 reasons to forgive a cheater. None of that Pollyanna, Kumbaya crap about sincere regret, momentary indiscretions, or true love.  No, these are reasons a diva (male or female) might forgive or appear to forgive a cheater. Read ‘em and weep…for the cheater.

OOPS…YOU HAVE A ZIPPER MALFUNCTION, TOO!

When that 2^nd glass of wine kicked in, so did the Dena's brain, as she reminded Shelby that she had cheated on her ex-husband, Junior. "You know that was simply a technicality!" Shelby sputtered back with a huff. After all, if a marriage is on life support and one says s/he is leaving, one doesn’t have to have actually left, does one? Oh forget it. This isn’t about the Divas. Let’s just say, if the goose and the gander are both having their fun, what’s the problem?

REVENGE IS SWEETER UP CLOSE AND PERSONAL

Remember the War of the Roses? No, not the 15^th-century English war… the movie with Michael Douglas and Kathleen Turner, a divorcing couple at each other’s throats because  neither was willing to give up the marital house. Heck, they made a real war look like child’s play…destroying house furnishings, trapping the other in a sauna, loosening the chandelier in hopes it’d drop at just the right moment. Now, if one just left in quiet dignity after a confession of infidelity, where would be the fun in that. Much more satisfying to stick around, wreak havoc, and enjoy the results.

HEY, IT WAS LEGITIMATE CHEATING!

No, the ladies haven’t suffered an acute lack of oxygen to the brain like poor Ted Akin with his legitimate rape nonsense.  But if one is married to a bumbling  idiot (someone not unlike Mr. Akin), shouldn’t s/he be forgiven for having a little fun on the side? We’re guessing that right about now, Mrs. Akin is wishing her body had found a way to shut that whole thing down.

GUILT…THE GIFT THAT KEEPS ON GIVING

Early in Shelby’s marriage, she suspected Junior was tipping out on her. She was never really sure, but it didn’t matter. Just her suspicion was enough to bring Junior to heel for a long time to come. She only had to say the words I want and it was done…kind of like being God. Now, imagine being Holly Petraeus, with a 4-star general husband full of shame and guilt. Every day could be Christmas, which leads to our next reason…

LIGHTING THE WHITE HOUSE CHRISTMAS TREE

Let’s face it. Hillary Clinton knew long before poor Monica was a glint in her mother’s eyes that Billy Boy wasn’t too particular about where he got a lewinski. The Divas are guessing the former First Lady made a choice. She knew he was headed to the White House, and come hell or high water, she’d be there with him. Think about it… the belle of the Inaugural Ball, promoting a cause close to one’s heart, state dinners, traveling the world on someone else’s dime, a hunky Secret Service agent all to oneself, and lighting the White House Christmas tree. Heck, the Divas would have forgiven ole Bubba, too.

So, the Divas would love to know...would you ever forgive a cheating spouse? Why or why not? Maybe this Diva Do/n't will help. Please leave your comments below.

If your prince or princess turns out to be a toad,

DO think twice before hitting the road.

Read original Yahoo! article here: http://shine.yahoo.com/love-sex/5-reasons-forgive-cheater-165900219.html

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If traveling is an art, the Delusional Divas might be compared to artist Jackson Pollack. His drip method of swirling paint on giant canvases is alternately viewed as a hot mess or as artistic genius. And so it is with the Divas’ travels. While many would shake their heads in pity at the duo’s travel misadventures, the ladies prefer to look at the beautifully humorous side of their experiences and learn from them. And so, the Divas’ hot messes have been the perfect breeding ground for their 5 Travel Tricks and Tips.

ANSWER YES WHEN ASKED IF YOU’RE TRAVELING ALONE

Dena and Shelby have known each other since their first day of high school 40 years … oops … 10 years ago, and they love each other dearly, but that’s no reason to be stuck at the hip when traveling if a better offer comes along. Dena made a fatal mistake a few years ago when airline staff asked her if she was traveling alone. She said no and pointed proudly to her best friend. The next thing the two Divas knew, the pretty flight attendant was asking someone else the same question, and the person answered in the affirmative. That simple answer YES got him an upgrade to Business Class so that a family could sit together using his former seat. Dena wanted to kick Shelby in her teeth.

ALLERGIC TO FISH?  BE AWARE OF FOREIGN AIRLINE MENUS AND CALL AHEAD

Shelby had been lured into a false sense of security knowing that American airlines do not serve fish on their flights. Heck, lately no one has to worry as airlines barely offer a sip of water. But as she learned on an Alitalia flight to Florence, fish is commonly offered as an option on foreign airlines. Now, ordinarily this is not a problem, but this particular flight was booked solid. So, when the pretty flight attendant got to Shelby, the only entrée left was fish. Shelby had a choice: die of starvation or die blown up like the Goodyear Blimp from a deadly allergic reaction to fish...quickly making it a bad year for the Diva and any vineyards that were in the black based on her considerable business. Luckily, there was a 3^rd option. Get half crocked on Chianti and fall out. We’re guessing you know which one she chose.

WE’RE ALL FOR BUYING AMERICAN, BUT WE WANT OUR OWN TV

The Divas want to know whattup with American airline companies and their entertainment offerings on transatlantic flights. For years, foreign airlines have offered in-seat entertainment on overseas flights. You know, sit at your seat with your own TV screen on the back of the seat in front of you…choose from 20 or more movies, television shows, music, games. It’s kind of the Burger King of airline entertainment. They do it your way. Watch what you want, when you want.  American airlines…not so much. They still have TV screens coming down from the ceiling that you have to crane your neck to see and possibly develop self-induced whiplash. So, the Divas are flying foreign airlines, even if it means Shelby has to eat a fish dinner.

DON’T LEAVE THE TRAVEL GUIDE AT HOME, OR…

When Dena and Shelby took their first trip to Italy together, they each bought a travel guide: Shelby - Frommer’s, and Dena -  Fodor’s. Shelby had cautioned Dena on how not to look like a typical American tourist…things like not wearing white sneakers and a track suit. On their first night in Florence, Shelby was searching her guide for a good restaurant. She asked Dena what her guidebook said, to which Dena promptly replied, “You said not to look like a tourist, so I figured lugging a guide book around might give them a clue, so I left it home.” Shelby looked at her friend as if she had two heads. “Yeah, but it also might have given us a clue…like where to eat,” she quipped back. The ladies' best suggestion. If you’re only visiting a few places and don’t want to lug a heavy book or look too touristy, copy the pages for the city you’ll be in.

LEARN A FEW PHRASES OF THE COUNTRY’S LANGUAGE

Shelby was proud of her Italian language skills. Why, she was so good, someone could mistake her for Italian…well, with ancestors who had taken a slight detour through sub-Saharan Africa. Anyway, she could ask for directions in Italian perfectly. Just one problem. She could barely understand a word as the hot Luigi or Gianni she’d made sure to ask fired back words in Italian faster than bullets from an Ouzi. But it didn’t matter. The minute they saw her eyes glaze over in confusion, they would switch happily to English. The ladies find this kindness the world over, even in the most stigmatized country in the world: France. Shelby and Dena found the people of Paris only too happy to switch to English after the ladies tried to speak to them in a bit of French. The Divas are not quite sure, but someone’s suggested the French people’s cooperation was really in self defense of their language. They had to stop the Divas’ massacre of it. So, the ladies’ advice. Just a few words goes a long way.

Do you have any funny stories that have led to a travel tip? Please tell the Divas.

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When you have a travel trouble,

DO tell the bartender to make it a double.